Why Relationships Can Be Hard AF – Here's How to Help Your Nervous System Adapt

Relationships can be hard as hell—and not just because of the usual miscommunications or mismatched needs. There’s something deeper going on, rooted in our biology and shaped by our early experiences.

From the very beginning, our nervous systems learn how to feel safe and regulated through our relationships—especially with our early caregivers. This process is called co-regulation. It’s the way our emotional systems sync up with someone else’s to help us feel calm, grounded, and secure.

Co-regulation isn’t just a nice bonding moment—it’s foundational to our wellbeing. When a caregiver soothes a crying baby, they’re doing more than just calming them down. They’re shaping that child’s nervous system to recognize, expect, and replicate safety and connection. Over time, this builds what we might call an internal felt sense of security—a knowing in the body that says, “I’m safe. I’m okay. I can reach out. I can be seen.”

But that’s not always how it plays out.

There are so many reasons someone might not get enough emotional attunement or co-regulation in childhood. Sometimes, it’s due to emotional neglect or abuse. Sometimes, caregivers are overwhelmed themselves—dealing with poverty, war, systemic oppression, or mental health challenges that make emotional presence feel out of reach. And sometimes, our own neurodivergence (like ADHD or autism) shapes how we experience and respond to relational cues in ways that others don’t know how to meet.

When our early experiences lack consistent, safe co-regulation, it doesn’t just disappear as we grow older. It sticks with us. As adults, this can make connection feel... tricky. Confusing. Overwhelming. Sometimes even threatening.

If your early relationships involved abandonment, inconsistency, or harm, your nervous system may have learned—very wisely, by the way—that it’s safer to self-protect than to reach out. If care came with strings attached, or your boundaries were constantly overrun, trusting others might not have felt like a real option.

Instead of learning, “Connection is safe,” we learn, “Connection is risky. Vulnerability gets me hurt. I need to stay in control. I can’t rely on others.” These aren’t conscious choices—they’re survival strategies. The body remembers what the mind might not.

Over time, you may have built internal armor—disconnecting from the feelings and sensations that come with vulnerability and intimacy. You might have learned to rely solely on yourself, not because you’re cold or distant, but because at some point, connection was dangerous.

We bring those adaptations into adulthood. We might crave connection but feel flooded by it. We might find ourselves shutting down or pulling away right when things start to get intimate. We might obsessively chase relationships that never quite meet us, or stay in ones that feel chaotic or unsafe—because that’s what our nervous system recognizes.

So when genuine care and closeness do show up, it can feel like waking up during surgery: raw, exposed, and completely disorienting.

It’s not that we don’t want love or connection. It’s that somewhere deep in our wiring, love got paired with danger. Or inconsistency. Or abandonment. Or betrayal.

You want to lean in, but your body says, Nope, this is dangerous. That tension—longing for closeness but feeling unsafe in it—can be incredibly painful. It can make you feel stuck, like no amount of self-help books or good advice actually helps you feel better.

And yet—somewhere underneath that armor—your body is still wired for connection. That tension, the push-pull of longing for closeness and feeling unsafe in it, can leave you stuck in a painful in-between. Wanting something you’re not sure how to receive.

Are the Vibes Right? Neuroception and Connection

This is where neuroception comes in. A term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, the founder of Polyvagal Theory, neuroception refers to your nervous system’s built-in surveillance system. Your body is constantly, subconsciously scanning for cues of safety or threat - in your body, in the environment, and in your interactions.

This is not a cognitive exercise—it’s biological. You walk into a room and feel uneasy for no clear reason? That’s neuroception. You meet someone and feel instantly at ease? Neuroception again. Your body is interpreting facial expressions, tone of voice, posture, proximity, even the overall vibe—and deciding: Am I safe?

And based on those cues, your body shifts into either regulation (safe, open, connected) or protection (fight, flight, freeze, or shut down).

But here’s the tricky part: if you’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or inconsistent emotional safety, your neuroception might get a little scrambled. It might interpret safety as danger—or danger as safety. It might overreact to subtle stress cues, or miss red flags altogether.

That’s why you might find yourself in relationships that feel draining, confusing, or chaotic. Or why you might keep people at a distance, even if part of you longs for closeness. It’s not because you’re broken. It’s because your nervous system is trying to protect you, using the patterns it learned early on.

What Can You Do About It?

The good news? Your nervous system is adaptable. Just like it learned to armor up and self-protect, it can also learn how to open up again—to sense real safety, to co-regulate, to trust.

Sometimes this happens from the outside-in: healing in relationship. When you’re in the presence of safe, attuned others—people who are consistent, compassionate, and present—your nervous system can start to recalibrate. You get to feel what safety actually feels like in your body, maybe for the first time. Over time, your system learns: Connection doesn’t have to mean harm. I don’t have to be on guard all the time.

And sometimes it happens from the inside-out: healing through your own body. By tuning into your physical sensations, emotions, and needs, you begin to build internal co-regulation. You start listening to your body, building safety from the inside. Practices like breathwork, somatic therapy, trauma-informed yoga, and vagus nerve regulation can help. You learn to be with yourself in ways that create more spaciousness and resilience.

This is where ATTUNE comes in.

ATTUNE is a nervous system-focused program that supports both the outside-in and inside-out pathways of healing. Through listening to the Safe and Sound Protocol (a music-based listening intervention developed by Dr. Porges), you give your nervous system direct support to move toward regulation, calm, and felt safety. You gently support your nervous system in shifting toward a more embodied sense of safety—something you can carry with you into relationships. 

At the same time, the group space provides a structured opportunity to practice co-regulation with real people in a low-pressure environment. Through guided exercises, reflection, and shared experiences, you stretch your capacity for relational safety—bit by bit.

No forcing. No pushing. Just gentle, supported expansion.

Because safety isn’t something you think your way into—it’s something you feel. And once your body starts to feel safer, relationships stop being a battleground—and start becoming a place where healing actually happens. They can even feel nourishing, empowering, and healing.

Attune is a virtual 12-week program that starts the first week of June.

Attune might be for you if:

• You are curious about nervous system healing.

• You want to learn how to support your body in different nervous system states.

• You long for opportunities to heal in community.

• You want to be present and engaged with the world in a way that feels sustainable.

• You want to expand your capacity for satisfying connection.

• You are neurodivergent, have sensory differences, or chronic pain.

What’s included in ATTUNE?

• 12 90-minute group sessions (that’s 18 hours total), including nervous system education, somatic resourcing practices, and co-regulation with me and your group mates.

• Access to the SSP for 3-months PLUS access to an integration playlist for one month after the group closes.

• Email access to me for support between sessions if and when you need it.

• Discounted 1:1 session rates if and when you need even more support ($50 off my normal rate of $220/hr).

How to get started:

1. Fill out the intake form.

2. You’ll be prompted to schedule a free consultation with me to make sure it’s a good fit and answer any questions you have.

3. During that call I’ll collect your payment information. ATTUNE is sliding scale ($650-$1050 for the 12 weeks) and there are options to pay in full or over the course of 3 or 6 months.

4. Attend the weekly sessions to co-regulate with the group (it’s ok if you can’t make every single session, as long as you can make the first two!).

   
   

   I look forward to the possibility of having you join our co-regulating crew!